GREAT LOVES PT 2

When we care even at an early age we try to protect, because it is in our nature to do so,as men.While being state property I met Gina, now she was the type of woman that would make a man go straight once he left the institution.She excepted my phone calls and talked to me about worldly things. When she found out I had some form of education that made our conversations all the more better. She trusted me and I felt such a kinship to her that there should have been more. Her only condition was that when and if i ever got out of jail that I WOULD DO THE RIGHT THING and i conceded that to her. Gina was and is still beautiful inside and especially out. So when the day came that they did release me, she was there. She met me on my first time out hugged me and we walked and talked, she gave me inspiration to go forward clothes and a few dollars any man that has ever been locked up knows that when you get out you need a support systems and she was willing to be that for me. To this day I thank her for being true to her word. In getting out you have to be on parole for sometime before you get out totally, i was placed in a halfway house and told to get a job. For a criminal that would be hard, for me a little difficult because i had some knowledge of what it takes to be in society. Finally after 2 weeks i found someone willing to take a chance on hiring me. After i explained my story, she even confessed to me that she had a brother who was locked up and she was giving me a chance because she hoped that when his time came someone would do the same.So on the spot she gave me uniforms and everything, I WAS HIRED!!!! But the system doesn't always work that great that same day that i got back to the halfway house where i was staying the administration informed me that there was a mistake in my paperwork that i was suppose to me the parole board in the institution and that they had to send me back IMMEDIATELY!!!!! I wasn't even allowed to pack all of my belongings because they considered my an exscape risk.So even after i explained they said there was nothing they could do for me. Paperwork will keep you caught in a system for years. They allowed me to make 2 phone calls one was to Gina but she wasn't home and i just threw my hands up there was nothing i could have done. Now a side note I  got a longer pass and traveled 3 buses to Gina's in the snow because I wanted to see her, she fed me we talked I think we even danced Gina fit in the curl of my arm like she was meant to be there DAMM i still remember that smile she was awesome and smelled like the air after a morning rain when the world seemed renewed from all the kaos. Just when we were ready to make love I  realized i didn't have any condoms and as much as i wanted to i knew what the consequences of those actions could have brought about. Come now fresh out of the penitentiary I  was shooting nothing but hits and I  knew if i got up in between those legs nothing was gonna pull me out until I broke something off in her back.That night I knew it and i think she did and if she didn't then shame on her ass because if i was anything less then the friend that i was she'd be walking around with my baby now. But I didn't and so it is and Gina i think never forgave me for going back to jail even though it wasn't my fault.SHE WAS KIND OF SORT OF GAMBLING THAT MAYBE I COULD BE THAT ONE.

GREAT LOVES pt1

Unfortunately we do not get the opportunity to have or be in love that often in life, i was blessed more then once, regrettably each one of mine came with a price in high school it was Agnes she was beautiful runner up to prom queen and my nigger 101%.She just never knew why i treated her better then anyone else, she was the girl that you never wanted to allow your friendship to get any further because if you did you already knew that it would be endless, she was smart, beautiful and took care of me in a way that some would say was like a relationship but was more like a connection to me. Guys always asked what was going on some assumed and others just talked.She was who she was a black queen in the making and i loved her for how easy she help make high school for me and how easy it was for me to be me. She was exceptional in every sense of the word, you see in high school i was the out sider because of the life i led outside of school between work and other activites school was a place for me to rest. Agnes NEVER JUDGED and i firmly believe that that is a trait most women do not have any more as is taking your friend, lover or significant other at face value,to judge is to say that you know that they can do better, look better and be better. Why not just except me and allow your life to be an example because if I am intelligent enough to be your friend, lover or companion I wil see your light and it will nourish me and help me grow

THEY KNEW BUT THEY COULDN'T PROVE A DAM THING

So as they wheeled me in and hooked me up to all types of monitors to make sure I wasn't dieing.I thought about my life  and should I have given that mother fucker my shyt and this little voice touched me and said HELL NO!!!!! So that's what happened they wheeled me in I told them my story and of course the police showed up.Regardless of what you think it was like you see on t.v. and they didn't believe a word I said which was funny. Because you learn to read emotion and even for a seasoned detective or investigator there are tells.But I go back that's another chapter so I want thru x-rays and everything they found the bullet lodged in my chest cavity not near any vital organs I guess weighing 330 had some advantages. The doctor said the best scenario was for the bullet just to lay there and i wouldn't feel any dis comfort or it would gently pass out with no problem. So i sighed all the appropriate paperwork and walked away

THE BALLAD or THE BULLET PART 2

As I walked home measuring my steps carefully not wanting to get winded or allow my heart to beat any faster than it already was.I knew I was fortunate that I hadn't had anything to drink or indulge in any narcotics because all that would have allowed my heart to beat faster and I would have bleed out before I made it home. So by the time I got home I realized that i need to move quickly before I lost to much blood now remember this was all before the CSI  revolution so I  was still careful not to drop any blood and I walk straight into my apartment and right into the shower, stripped naked there and began to see what was going on my head had stopped bleeding which meant the bleed had coagulated and that was fine but the bullet wound in my chest was still seeping slowly which meant I needed medical attention. So I got out of the shower and redressed in another set of clothes, went into the bathroom with the trash bag I had and gathering up all of my bloody clothes careful not to leave anything. Then I did the stupidest thing I panicked don't know why but i did, so I went down the street about 8 blocks to where my mom was you see even the coldest killer still runs to his mom in time of need, now it's about1 in the morning and I am knocking on her door.She says whats wrong and I tell her I am hungry so she starts cursing like she always does but she does it but she does it and then she notices the spot on my shirt and sees the wound thats when all hell brakes loose. When I tell her ,she makes me either go to the hospital or she is calling the police. So sadly I took my ass to the hospital interesting note[ never get in a taxi with an immigrant when you are in trouble because when i got to the hospital  i asked him to take me to the emergency room entrance because i had been shot. he starts cursing in some language so strange i thought he was summoning his god . I tell him to hold on as i am getting out so i can get his change and he just speeds off.CAN YOU SAY LACK OF GREEN CARD. So i get the how can i help you that's when this nurse hits some dam panic button and about 5 people run out throw my ass on a gurney and roll me into the emergency room and i start cursing telling them hold on I got here under my own power [ THEY KNEW BUT THEY COULDN'T PROVE A DAM THING NEXT CHAPTER

THE BALLAD or THE BULLET

Let it be known that I have shot people and that is nothing to be proud of and have been shot during the course of an attempted stick up. Mind you i was always taught that if you are in that position reliquish all and hope that he has enough mercy not to shoot you dead but youth and the non fear of death made me see it otherwise.I was about 23 about 320lbs of pure dam nasty never took a short or gave one when slinging drugs that was before i got into the business part. but one night evidently someone had been watching me for a while i got comfortable where i was and thought that a was safe.It was about 9:00 pm I remember because i never went on the block before that time didn't want anyones kids seeing what i was doing after about an 1/2 hour this guy comes up to me to by something remember they had been watching so as i bent down he cracks me right in the face with his pistol and blood starts gushing every where and he says give me everything you got. At that split second everything went out the window all reason and I gave him every thing i had which consisted of 4, 38 caliber bullets and as I was squeezing off shot after shot he caught me once with his gun. Now remember who ever was watching me didn't know I had a weapon because i was always taught if you ain't gonna use it never pull it out. His 1 shot hit me point blank range in the chest I NEVER FELT IT, but as i continued to fire the thing i remeber most was the shocked look in his eyes it didn't help any that i cursed his dumb ass out and told him that if he hadn't have hit me i wouldv'e given him everything then i just took off running until i was far enough away to slow down. It's strange the things you remember in times of great turmoil, I remembered not to panic, control my breathing and measure my steps so as i came up on the otherside head gushing with blood and my chest wet I walked slowly home which was about 12 blocks and as i was walking police cars rolled past me. I never broke what little stride I could manage . On the way to my place i stopped and was able to hide my merchandice and weapon for later retreival. Now this is not a story to help me make my way to heaven but to clear my path for redemption and these stories are the reasons why I can tell the difference between a fire cracker and a 9mm, the difference between a mac 10 and a 380. These are not just  ghetto fairy tales

THE DEATH OF INNOCENCE

ALTHOUGH MY CHILDHOOD WAS FILLED WITH MY MOMS ALOCHOLISM AND MY SISTERS DRUG ABUSE. YOU NEVER LOOSE YOUR INNOCENCE UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOU. MY INNOCENCE WAS BURIED AT 12 WHEN I SAW MY SISTER SHOOT DOPE IN HER ARM.IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A TRIVIAL MATTER BECAUSE I HAD SEEN IT IN PASSING BEFORE, BUT WHEN IT IS A FAMILY MEMBER A LITTLE PIECE OF YOU DIES AND IN TURN YOU BECOME HARDER ON THE INSIDE BECAUSE THE WORLD BECOMES A LITTLE COLDER BECAUSE YOU ARE ALONE IN YOUR MISERY. THERE IS A SET METHOD TO SHOOTING DOPE AT LEAST IT WAS BACK THEN. THE BOTTLE TOPS WERE METAL AND THAT'S HOW YOU COOKED THE DOPE YOU USED MATCHES AND COTTON TO HELP FILTER IT. THE REASON I KNOW THIS SO WELL BECAUSE AS I AM WRITING THIS I AM VISUALIZING EVERYTHING I REMEMBER AS A CHILD AND IT ISN'T THAT DIFFICULT TO REMEMBER. WE ALL TEND TO BURY THINGS IN OUR MEMORIES AS THIS IS SUPPOSE TO HEAL ME IN SOME SENSE,I AM RESURRECTING ALLOT. IN THE PAST 20 YEARS I HAVE NOT SLEPT A TOTAL NIGHT AND THERE ARE TIMES I WONDER IF THAT IS THE PUNISHMENT I SUFFER FOR NOT FULFILLING MY OWN DESTINY OR GOD'S STRANGE SENSE OF HUMOR TO HELP ME TO REPENT

STATE PROPERTY [ NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT THE NIGHTMARES]

WHEN I STARTED MY FIRST NUMBER I WAS 22 AND THOUGHT THAT IT WAS FOR A MINUTE BUT WHO WOULD KNOW THAT THAT MINUTE WOULD SPAN 16 YEARS ,THAT THAT MINUTE IN TIME WOULD SEE MY MOTHER PASS , MY SISTER DIE AND SO MANY OF MY OLD FRIENDS FALL VICTIM TO DRUG USE. THAT I WOULD WITNESS THE WORLD CHANGE BEHIND BARS AND I WAS STILL THE SAME. ONE OF THE MANY DRAW BACKS TO BEING STATE PROPERTY. THAT SCARED STRAIGHT WASN'T TRUE BECAUSE BEING IN JAIL IS LIKE GOING TO ANOTHER WORLD THAT REQUIRES YOU TO ADAPT OR DIE PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY OR EMOTIONALLY. FOR ME I KNOW IT WAS EMOTIONALLY EACH TIME THE DOORS TO THAT CELL CLOSED MORE OF ME CLOSED OFF THE WORLD BECAUSE I FELT IT DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. MISGUIDED, MISINFORMED AND MISUNDERSTOOD BY SO MANY INCLUDING MYSELF THAT ALL THIS WAS STRANGE. WHEN I FINALLY WENT TO THE PENITENTIARY IN MY FIRST WEEK I WITNESSED A HOMICIDE THE LIKES OF SOMETHING FROM AN OLD PRISON MOVIE, OZ HAD NOTHING ON THE REAL CAGE THAT MEN ARE FORCED TO LIVE IN. THE GUY IN QUESTION WAS ON THE PHONE HIS FRIEND WALKED IN PULLED OUT A KNIFE THE SIZE OF SOMETHING THAT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS SPAWNED FROM A SEQUEL TO BRAVEHEART. HE THRUST IT STRAIGHT IN HIS SIDE PULLED IT OUT AND WAS PREPARING TO STRIKE AGAIN WHEN THE GUY IN QUESTION TOOK OFF RUNNING WHILE THE BLOOD WAS LITERALLY GUSHING FROM HIS SIDE. SEVERAL OTHER INMATES AND I WITNESSED THE WHOLE SCENE. THE GUY CHASED HIM THUR THE DORMITORY AND OUTSIDE STILL WIELDING THE SWORD CAUGHT HIM TWICE MORE HE WAS ABLE TO STAGGER TO WHERE THE CORRECTIONAL OFFICERS WERE BEFORE HE DIED. THAT WAS JUST ONE NIGHT IN THAT WORLD YOU MAY ASK WHERE WERE THE GUARDS? YOU SEE IN THE PENITENTIARY GUARDS ARE NOT THERE TO WITNESS MOST MAYHEM OR WILL THEY STEP IN THEY ARE INSTRUCTED TO STAND BY AND WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE THEIR PRIMARY FUNCTION IS TO SUSTAIN THEIR LIVES AND HOPE HELP COMES BEFORE THEY BECOME A VICTIM TOO. I STILL WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT REMEMBERING THE SHOCKED LOOK ON DUDES FACE AS HIS LIFE WAS SLOWLY SEEPING FROM HIS FORM.I HAVE SHOT MEN AND THAT LOOK WAS NO WHERE CLOSE TO ANYTHING YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE. IN PRISON I WITNESSED ACTS OF VIOLENCE THAT WOULD TURN YOUR STOMACH AND YET YOU JUST LEARNED TO SAY HEY I AM GLAD IT WASN'T ME.PRISON STRIPPED SO MUCH EMOTION FROM ME THAT I TRULY FORGOT ABOUT THE OUTSIDE WORLD IT LITERALLY SEEMED LIKE A FOREIGN PLANET WHEN WE'D WATCH T.V. IN ONE OF THE BOOKS I AM QUITE FOND OF CALLED THE BELLY OF THE BEAST THE AUTHOR A INMATE TOLD OF THE PSYCHOLOGICAL DEPTHS THAT EACH ONE OF US TRAVEL TO SURVIVE IN JAIL. THAT LIKE ON THE STREETS DRUGS IS AN ESCAPE FROM THE REALITY OF BEING STRIPED OF BEING HUMAN,THAT HOMOSEXUALITY IS A WEAPON THAT IS FORCED UPON SOME AND EXCEPTED BY OTHERS AS THEIR WAY OF COPING WITH THE SITUATION THAT IS AT HAND. NO ONE EVER EXPLAINED THE FACT THAT  TO UNDER TAKE THIS RITUAL OF BECOMING STATE PROPERTY I.E. MY RITE OF PASSAGE INTO MANHOOD WOULD BE THE REASON I WAKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HEARING MY DEAD MOTHER'S SCREAMS OR HEAR MY SISTERS VOICE CALLING ME FROM BEYOND.THAT ALL THOSE PEOPLE THAT WERE APART OF MY LIFE  IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER THAT I LOVED WOULDN'T BE AROUND TO SEE ME MATURE AS A MAN. THAT BY THE AGE OF 36 I HAD WITNESSED MORE ACTS OF RANDOM VIOLENCE THEN MOST SANE PEOPLE SEE IN A LIFE TIME.THAT PRISON LITERALLY CULTIVATES CRIMINAL ACTIVITY BECAUSE THIS IS THE WAY IT IS DESIGNED. GUARDS TURN BLIND EYES TO THINGS TO ALLOW THE NATIVES NOT TO BECOME RESTLESS. THOSE THAT SURVIVE AND ARE RELEASED THE SYSTEM WILL EVENTUALLY GET YOU BACK . THEY SAY THEY WANT TO REHABILITATE YOU BUT JOBS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN AND FRUSTRATION IS LIKE THE SKIN YOU ARE BORN INTO,FOREVER ALWAYS THERE.EVEN IF YOU FINISH THAT NUMBER IN OUR OUT OF JAIL YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. SOME WOULD SAY THAT'S NOT TRUE AND OTHERS WOULD SAY WHO HAVE BEEN THERE THAT I AM WEAK. BUT IN THOSE LATE HOURS JUST BEFORE DAWN WHEN YOU FIND ONE OF US WHO WAS THERE, HE'LL BE SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE BED WONDERING EVEN AFTER 10 YEARS OF FREEDOM WHY HE CAN NOT REST THAT NIGHT IT HAPPENS AND IF THEY TELL YOU IT DOESN'T IT'S A LIE BECAUSE ONCE YOU ARE STATE PROPERTY FOR ANY NUMBER OF YEARS YOU STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT THAT PLACE OR GOING BACK

STATE PROPERTY

IN AFRICA YOUNG BOYS WERE GIVEN TESTS OF COURAGE TO BECOME RECOGNIZED BY THEIR VILLAGE AS MEN. THE SAME AS IT WAS FOR MOST ANCIENT TRIBES OF OLD THAT THERE YOUNG BOYS FACED TRIALS AND WERE DEEMED MEN. FROM THE EARLY 70'S ON THESE TRIALS YOUNG MEN WERE NOT CONSIDERED MEN UNTIL THEY BECOME INCARCERATED AND THIS DEEMED THEM MEN BY THEIR PEERS. TO BECOME STATE PROPERTY TOOK ON A LIFE OF IT'S OWN AND YOUNG MEN COLLECTED THIS BADGE WILLINGLY NOT KNOWING THE DIVESTING EFFECT IT WOULD HAVE ON SO  MANY FUTURE GENERATIONS. I WAS UNAWARERE OF THIS UNTIL I BECAME STATE PROPERTY THEN IT WAS A BADGE OF COURAGE NOW IT IS A AN KER AROUND MY NECK THAT I REGRETABLE WILL WEAR UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. STATE PROPERTY IS WHAT I WAS AND IT HAS TAKEN ME SOME YEARS TO REALIZE THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM NOW, THAT I GOT TRAPPED BY MY OWN IGNORANCE OF LIFE AND WHAT SURVIVUAL WAS. A SURVIVUAL THAT I HAD A CHOICE WHETHER I WANTED TO BE APART OF AND I CHOSE TO BE . DO I REGRET IT NO! BECAUSE IF I DID THEN THAT WOULD MEAN THESE EXPERIENCES WOULDN'T HAVE MADE ME THE MAN THAT I AM.

CASUALTY OF THE VEITNAM WAR [R.I.P. SIS] PART 3

MY SISTER WAS WHO SHE WAS AND I CAN NOT FAULT HER FOR ANYTHING I JUST WISH WE'D GOT TO SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER AS I GOT OLDER.MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED THE THINGS THAT WERE TOLD TO ME AS GOSPEL.BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS ABOUT THE TIME I TURNED 17 I SAW HER AGAIN SHE HAD MET A MAN AND WAS GETTING READY TO GET MARRIED AGAIN. I THOUGHT SHE WAS HAPPY AND I GUESS SHE DID TOO.YEARS PAST AND SHE MOVED TO TEXAS WITH THIS GUY, WHILE THERE SHE HAD 3 MORE KIDS AND I FOUND OUT THAT THIER RELATIONSHIP WAS ROCKY. BY THIS TIME I HAD BECOME STATE PROPERTY AND WAS OUT ON PAROLE LIVING IWTH GRANNY WHEN ONE EVENING SHE TOLD ME THE NEWS I MUST HAVE BEEN HOME ABOUT 6 MONTHS WHEN IT CAME OUT . BY THIS TIME GRANNY WAS IN HER LATE 80'S AND THINGS SEEMED TO SLIP HER MIND. THE STORY GOES THAT HER AND THIS MAN HAD ALOT OF DOMESTIC ABUSE BETWEEN THEM, HIS BACK GROUND AND HERS WELL I GUESS THAT WAS LIKE OIL AND WATER. GRANNY GOT A CALL FROM TEXAS SAYING SHE HAD DIED AND THEY WERE HAVING A FUNERAL RIGHT AWAY NO ONE COULD GET THERE THAT QUICK BUT SHE NEVER GOT BURIED THE AUTHORITIES HAD STARTED TO INVESTIGATE AND FOUND OUT SHE DIDN'T DIE IN  HER SLEEP. SHE DIED  FROM MASSIVE INTERNAL HEMMORAGES CAUSED FROM BLUNT FORCE TRAMA. THE HUSBAND WAS LOCKED UP FOR MURDER AND FROM WHAT IS TOLD TO ME HE IS STILL IN A TEXAS CORRECTIONAL FACITLITY DOING ATLEAST 80% OF WHAT EVER SENTENCE HE RECEIVED. NOW I PRAY THAT HER AND MA FINALLY MADE UP AND ARE ATLEAST CIVIL TO ONE ANOTHER IN THE AFTER LIFE. THE KIDS I HAVE NO IDEA BUT I PRAY THEY ARE WELL AND THAT MY SISTER GAVE THEM SOME SEMBLANCE OF LOVE. BUT THE WAY THIS WORLD SEEMS TO BE A DOUBT IT. YET IN ALL I KEEP HOPE ALIVE THAT THEY ALL ARE HAPPY AND THAT THAT ONE BIG FAMILY REUNION WILL BE PEACEFUL.

A CASUALITY OF THE VEITNAM WAR [R.I.P. SIS] PART 2

SHE WAS SO SPECIAL AND YET IN SO MUCH PAIN THAT ONLY THE NARCOTICS THAT SHE PURCHASED OR WERE GIVEN TO HERE COULD EASE IT. AT 16 MY SISTER BEGAN A JOURNEY THAT LANDED HER IN PLACES THAT NO ONE COULD IMAGINE. SHE USE TO TAKE ME EVERY WHERE WITH HER AND THAT'S HOW I FOUND OUT. MA USE TO MAKE HER TAKE ME AT FIRST THEN AFTER ABOUT A MONTH IT WAS JUST NATURAL. I GUESS SHE WASN'T TRYING TO LET ME SEE OUR MOTHER DRUNK AND FALLING ON THE FLOOR.WE'D GO TO HOUSE PARTIES EVERY WEEKEND. SHE'D JUST DRESS ME UP LIKE A LITTLE MIDGET PUT A HAT ON ME AND TELL EVERYONE I WAS HER DATE EVERYBODY EXCEPT CLOSE FRIENDS KNEW WHO I WAS,BUT BY THE END OF MOST NIGHTS EVERYONE HAD FIGURED IT OUT BECAUSE I WOULD EVENTUALLY BE A SLEEP IN SOME BODY'S BEDROOM OR ON A COUCH. FOR YEARS HER FRIENDS CALLED ME MIDGET MAN. I GUESS DURING THAT TIME I WAS HER BUFFER THE REASON SHE DIDN'T USE TO EXCESS BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GET ME HOME.SO ABOUT 2 YEARS LATER T ALL STARTED TO FALL APART AND SHE JUST STARTED USING REGULAR AND WE JUST GREW DISTANT FROM ONE ANOTHER SHE DID TIME IN JAIL ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS, WHICH BY THEN HAD BECOME A RITE OF PASSAGE FOR MOST YOUNG ADULTS. NEVER SPOKE OF BY PARENTS BUT ACKNOWLEDGE WE AS THEY USE TO SAY " SHE'S ON THAT SHIT". I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO EXPLAIN IT TO OUR MOTHER WHEN I WAS 12 I THINK BECAUSE PERIODICALLY SHE'D COME HOME TO EITHER GET CLEANED UP OR JUST CHILL. THE DAY I FOUND THE MATCH STICKS ,SODA BOTTLE CAP AND COTTON IN THE TOILET I KNEW THAT SHE WAS ALL THE WAY GONE. MY MOM DE NEIGHED IT AND I GOT A ASS WHIPPING FOR EVEN SAYING THAT,I JUST WANTED TO HELP MY SISTER AND I THOUGHT MA WOULD. BUT SHE DIDN'T AND IT WAS JUST SOMETHING THAT WAS NEVER DISCUSSED. I'D WATCH MY SISTER STRUGGLE FOR YEARS AND AT 29 SHE GOT MARRIED BUT HE WAS DOING THE SAME THING SHE WAS THEY BOTH HID IT FOR A MOMENT BUT WE KNEW. THEY HAD A BABY AND FOR A WHILE EVERYTHING WAS COOL UNTIL HE GOT CLEAN AND SHE WAS STILL DOING IT. THEY DEVORCES AFTER 6 YEARS AND THE BOY LARRY LIVED WITH HIS FATHER, WHO IN HIS OWN RIGHT WAS AS DISFUNCTIONAL AS SHE WAS. ITS BEEN OVER 20 SOME YEARS SINCE I HAVE SEEN HIM AND STILL T THIS DAY I WONDER HOW HE IS. ABOUT 8 YEARS AGO HE SHOWED UP AT GRANNYS I WASN'T THERE HE HAD JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL, HAD A WIFE AND A NEW BORN AND WAS DOING OK. OUR CULTURE SUFFERS SO WHEN FAMILYS DON'T STAY IN TACT ONE PARENT HOMES BREED A ONE WAY TICKET TO JAIL IN SO MANY CASES AND MEN ARE NOT THERE TO BE REAL FATHERS AND MOTHERS STRUGGLE TO RISE MEN AND SO MANY OF US SLIP THRU THE CRACKS. WE SAY THAT COCAINE CAUSED MOST OF IT BUT I FEEL IF THAT WERE TRUE THEN HEROIN WAS THE CATAPULT THAT DROVE SO MUCH OF OUR SOCIETY TO THE PLACE THAT WE ARE AT NOW. I KNOW WE DIDN'T HAVE THE BOATS OR PLANES TO BRING THAT SHIT HERE. NO BLACK MAN EVER GOT RICH FRON SEELING NORCOTICS AND STAYED ALIVE AND OUT OF JAIL THIS SYSTEM IS NOT DESIGHED FOR THAT. WE ARE GIVEN DREAMS THRU MOVIES LIKE SCAREFACE, PAID IN FULL, AMERICAN GANGSTER,AND BELLY. TO MAKE USE BELIEVE THAT AN EDUCATION IS NOT IMPORTANT AND THAT OUR ONLY WAY OUT OF THE STRUGGLE IS TO EITHER PICK UP A BAG OF DRUGS OR A FOOTBALL AND BY THE TIME WE REALIZE THIS ISN'T TRUE YOU ARE STATE PROPERTY. BUT I DIGESS BACK TO MY SISTER

MOVIE LINES YOU WILL REMEMBER

AMD MAKE YOU ALMOST WANNA GO COLD KILLER

A CASUALITY OF THE VEITNAM WAR [R.I.P. SIS]

THE APPROXIMATE NUMBER OF INDIVIDUALS THAT DIED DURING THE VIETNAM WAR IS STILL UNKNOWN, BUT TO BE HONEST I THINK THERE WERE MORE DEATHS HERE THEN THERE, THE DEATH OF A WHOLE GENERATION OF PEOPLE. WHERE DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK OLD DOPE FIENDS CAME FROM MOST OF THEM STARTED OUT YOUNG. THE ONES IN THERE LATE 50'S EARLY 60'S WERE VICTIMS OF THE HEROIN THAT CAME HOME WITH THE VIETNAM VETERANS. UNFORTUNATELY MY SISTER WAS ONE OF THEM, BRIGHT SMART AND FULL OF POTENTIAL IN MY EYES AN ANGEL THAT FELL FROM GRACE SLOWLY AND FOR THE MAJORITY OF HER LIFE TRIED TO CLIMB BACK IN GRACE WITH GOD AND HER SELF.IN THE MID TO LATE 70'S HEROIN WAS PLENTIFUL AND CHEAP SCHOOL KIDS COULD GET A DOLLAR EGG AND STAY HIGH ALL DAMM DAY. A DOLLAR EGG WAS A TINY COMPRESSED BALL OF NARCOTICS THAT LOOK LIKE AN EGG. MY SISTER DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER AND THEN AGAIN I CAN NOT DEFEND HER SHE MAY HAVE AND JUST WAS TRYING TO ESCAPE THE WORLD OF AN ALCOHOLIC MOTHER AND FATHER. FROM WHAT I REMEMBER IT STARTED SO SIMPLY AND JUST GOT OUT OF CONTROL. SHE WAS NEVER HOME BY THE TIME SHE WAS 16, MY MOM HAD LEFT MY FATHER AND SHE FELT UNLOVED OR THAT MAYBE THERE SEPARATION WAS HER FAULT, ELDER SIBLINGS TEND TO TAKE THAT ON THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY SEE MORE THEN THE YOUNGER ONES. I THINK EVEN IF SHE'D BEEN THE PERFECT CHILD OUR PARENTS WOULD HAVE LEFT EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEY BOTH HAD DEMONS IN THERE CLOSETS AND NEITHER ONE KNEW HOW TO FIND HEALING EXCEPT IN A BOTTLE. NOW I AM NOT MAD AT THEM BECAUSE THEY GAVE ME LIFE, THEY WERE WHO THEY WERE MY PARENTS AND I AINT MAD AT THEM. TO BE CONTINUED

THE BIG TREE [THE DEFINITION OF ROLLING A DRUNK]

JUST BEFORE YOU RUN INTO THE CORNER STORE THERE WAS THIS LITTLE PLOT OF LAND WITH WOODS THAT RAN ALL ALONG THE BACK OF THE HOUSING COMPLEX. RIGHT IN FRONT WAS THIS BIG TREE.. THIS IS WHERE ALL THE DRUNKS AND HUSTLERS HUNG OUT, BACK THEN EVERYONE HUNG TOGETHER THEY WERE NOT PICKY LIKE NOW. REMEMBER MA TOLD ME DON'T BE DOWN THERE WITH JIMMY ANYMORE SO I FOUND A NEW PLACE TO HANG UP UNDER THE BIG TREE, I WAS THE RUNNER IF ANYONE WANTED SOMETHING FROM THE CORNER STORE I'D GO GET IT. JIMMY KIND OF PUT ME DOWN BECAUSE HE WAS GETTIN THAT ASS JUMP ON CAUSE MA BEAT HIM LIKE A HEBREW SLAVE AND DUDES WAS TELLING HIM HE WAS WRONG FOR DOING THAT AND BEING STINGY WITH MY CUTS. THEY CALLED ME LITTLE MAN CAUSE I WAS 10 AND TRYING TO BE ABOUT IT. SO MR.JOHNNY TAKE A LIKING TO ME AND EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL, I'D GO HOME PUT MY BOOKS AWAY AND HEAD ON DOWN TO THE BIG TREE. NOW THEY WERE DOWN THERE DOING ALL SORTS OF THINGS THIS WAS BACK ABOUT 3 YEARS BEFORE THE LOTTERY CAME OUT AND I WAS YOUNG AND DIDN'T KNOW THAT MR. JOHNNY WAS THE NUMBERS MAN HE JUST SEEMED COOL, HE DIDN'T DRINK AND HE SMOKED LITTLE CIGARS, HIS CLOTHES WERE LIKE THE BUMS PUT HE ALWAYS KEPT A POCKET OF MONEY AND KNEW EVERYBODY. I CALLED HIM MISTER BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE DID AND I FELT IN SOMEWAY HE DESERVED THAT RESPECT.AFTER ABOUT 2 WEEKS MR. JOHNNY ASKED ME TO DO SOMETHING I THOUGHT IT WAS STRANGE BUT I KNEW WHO HE WAS PLUS MA KNEW HIM TOO. HE SAID LIL MAN RUN THIS OVER TO THE LADY ON THE SECOND FLOOR MS. DEBORAH YOU KNOW HER RIGHT? DIDN'T FIND OUT UNTIL LATER THAT MS. DEBORAH HAD HIT FOR 100 DOLLARS. BECAUSE SHE CAME AROUND AND SAID HERE I WON'T TELL YOUR MOMMA AND THANK YOU. SHE GAVE ME 3 DOLLARS AND PATTED ME ON MY HEAD WALKED AWAY LAUGHING. NOW I WAS OK WITH ALL OF THAT UNTIL FRIDAYS ROLLED PAST AND PEOPLE STARTED GETTING REAL ROWDY UP UNDER THE BIG TREE, DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AND I GUESS I NEVER WILL BUT THAT EVENING EVERYONE WAS REAL DRUNK AND I KNEW MA WAS ABOUT TO COME HOME SO MY TIME WAS RUNNING THIN. JIMMY WAS STILL A FIXTURE HE JUST DRUNK A WHOLE LOT LESS , I GUESS MA BEATING THAT ASS MADE HE WISE UP. SO 3 OF JIMMY'S BUDDY'S WERE PASSED OUT BACK IN THE WOODS THAT'S WERE THEY WENT WHEN THEY COULDN'T MAKE IT HOME. USUALLY ABOUT 2 OR 3 I THINK THEY'D GET THE ONES WHO WERE TO DRUNK UP AND GET THEM HOME. SO JIMMY SAYS HEY LIL MAN YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THIS I SAID WHAT? GO IN SAM'S POCKET WITHOUT WAKING HIM UP AND YOUNG NAIVE ME SAID WHY? HE SAID ANYTHING YOU GET JUST GIVE ME SOME. SHYYYYYT! I WAS GAME SO I CREEP BACK IN THE WOODS WHERE SAM WAS AND POCKED HIM WITH A STICK HIS ASS WAS OUTED JIMMY IS STANDING ABOUT 5 FEET BACK WHISPERING GO HEAD NOW SAM WASN'T A LITTLE GUY SO I GO IN HIS BACK POCKET NO WALLET NOTHING AND JIMMY SAYS YOU GOT TO TURN HIM OVER BOY! SO I ROLLED JIMMY OVER AND IN HIS FRONT POCKET HE HAD ABOUT 200 IN 20"S. SO I GRAB THE MONEY AND RUN ALL THE WHILE NO ONE WATCHING BUT JIMMY, HE SNATCHES ME WHEN I TRY TO RUN PAST AND SAYS HEY WHERES MINE . I JUST THREW HIM ABOUT HALF AND RAN HOME HOPING NO ONE ELSE SAW ME CAUSE I KNEW IF THEY DID I'D CATCH MORE THEN A ASS WHIPPING. I DIDN'T GO BACK DOWN THERE FOR ABOUT A WEEK, WASN'T GOING TO GO BACK EVER TO DAM SCARED THAT SOMEONE SAW ME OTHER THAN JIMMY. BUT ABOUT 2 WEEKS LATER MA SENT ME TO THE STORE AND I RAN INTO MR. JOHNNY HE SAYS HEY LIL MAN WHERE YOU BEEN, I LIED TO HIM AND TELL HIM MA DIDN'T WANT ME DOWN THERE ANYMORE THE FACT OF THE MATTER MY MOTHER NEVER KNEW, BUT MR. JOHNNY KNEW AND HE SNATCH ME UP AND TOOK ME IN BACK OF THE STORE AND TOLD ME SO, HE SAID I COULD'VE GOTTEN MY ASS CUT UP FOR FUCKING WITH PEOPLES MONEY LIKE THAT AND I WASN'T NEVER TO DO IT AGAIN HE TOLD ME I NEVER HAVE TO STEAL MONEY IS THERE YOU JUST GOT TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET IT.HE ASKED WHO PUT THE IDEA INTO MY HEAD AND WHO HELPED ME I SAID NO BODY, THAT'S WHEN HE GRABBED ME BY THE SHIRT AND MADE ME STOP LIEING AND I TOLD HIM WHO IT WAS.HE JUST SAID OK AND AFTER THAT HE SAID GO ON COME SEE ME IN A FEW DAYS. I WAS SCARED TO DEATH DIDN'T KNOW IF HE WAS GOING TO TELL MA OR NOT. HE NEVER DID AND MA NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I WONDER TO THIS DAY HOW MANY TIMES PEOPLE HAVE SAID SOMETHING TO HER ABOUT ME AND SHE JUST KEPT QUIET. SO AFTER ABOUT ANOTHER WEEK I GO BACK DOWN TO THE TREE AND NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING EXCEPT HEY LIL MAN WHERE YOU BEEN? JUST TOLD THEM ALL HAD TO DO SCHOOL WORK.THEY WERE COOL AFTER ACOUPLE OF DAYS I NOTICES I HADN'T SEEN JIMMY. I JUST KEPT QUIET ABOUT IT , BUT I HAD TO KNOW SO WHILE WE WERE WAITING FOR THE SCHOOL BUS I SAW STANLEY AND I JUST BLURTED OUT WHERE IS JIMMY I AIN'T SEEN HIM. STANLEY WAS THE EARLY MORNING DRUNK HE WAS THERE WHEN WE GOT ON THE SCHOOL BUS , HE WAS SOBER THEN BUT BY THE TIME WE GOT HOME HE WAS DRUNK AND DANCING IN THE STREET EVERYDAY I CAN REMEMBER. DIDN'T NEED I STOP SIGN STANLEY STOP TRAFFIC LIKE CLOCK WORK EVERYDAY.STANLEY TELLS ME THAT ALL THE DUDES BEAT HIM BADLY AND RAN HIM AWAY FROM HERE BECAUSE HE STOLE MONEY. I WAS LIKE YOU SURE HE SAID YES BECAUSE MR.JOHNNY TOLD THEM IT WAS HIM. NEVER SAW JIMMY AGAIN AND I NEVER STOLE AGAIN EITHER!!!!!! SO THE TRUE DEFINITION OF ROLLING A DRUNK IS YOU LITERALLY HAVE TO ROLL HIM OVER TO SEE WHAT'S IN HIS POCKETS, AND IN THE PROCESS OF ALL THAT TRY NOT TO GET CAUGHT

LESSONS NOT LEARNED

MA WAS ABOUT TO DRAG ME HOME BUT SHE TOLD ME TO STAND STILL UP AGAINST THE WALL, NOW JIMMY'S ON THE GROUND BLEEDING MIND YOU. MAMA CAUGHT HIS ASS GOOD , SO I AM STANDING ON THE WALL AND MA GOES IN TO THE LIQUOR STORE AND CUSSES OUT EVERYONE BECAUSE THEY KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON AND DIDN'T TELL HER THEN AFTER ALL THAT SHE GETS A FIFTH OF SMIRNOFF VODKA AND A 1/2 A PINT WALKS OUT THE STORE GIVES JIMMY THE 1/2 A PINT IN A BROWN BAG THEN KICKS THE SHYT OUT OF HIM AND SAYS DON'T LET THIS SHYT HAPPEN AGAIN, SNATCHES ME BY THE ARM AND OFF WE GO UP THE STREET. SHE'S JUST A CURSING AND I AM STILL BLEEDING FROM THE SMACK TO THE FACE BY THE TIME I GET HOME SHE JUST SAYS GO ON TO YOUR ROOM, WHICH IN ACTUALITY WAS BOTH OF OUR ROOMS BECAUSE WE LIVED IN A ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT. SO SHE'S IN THE LIVING ROOM DRINKING AND ON THE PHONE TALKING ABOUT WHAT I DID JUST A CUSSING SO AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR I THOUGHT I BETTER GO SAY SOMETHING OR AFTER SHE FINISHED THAT BOTTLE SHE'D START IN ON ME. SO WHEN I WENT INTO THE LIVING ROOM SHE WAS CRYING I ASKED HER WHAT WAS WRONG AND SHE TELLS ME HOW DISAPPOINTED SHE IS AND THAT SHE THOUGHT I'D NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT, MIND YOU I AM USING THE CLAMOUR VERSION REMEMBER SHE'S JUST ABOUT POLISHED OFF THAT FIFTH AND MY ASS WAS UP NEXT.I DIDN'T THINK I DID ANYTHING WRONG AND AS SHE PROCEEDS TO TELL ME HOW EDUCATION IS MY KEY TO MAKING IT IN THIS WORLD AND HOW A BLACK MAN HAD VERY FEW OPTIONS WITHOUT AN EDUCATION AND HOW MOST OF THOSE GUYS DOWN AROUND THAT LIQUOR STORE HAD ALREADY GIVEN UP . THE ONLY THING MY DUMB ASS WAS THINKING ABOUT WAS I GOT ALL THE DAM MONEY THAT NIGHT I NEVER GAVE JIMMY ANY AND HE GOT FUCKED UP FOR SLACKING. DAM!!!!! IF I HAD REALLY BEEN LISTENING HOW MY LIFE WOULD BE DIFFERENT. SO MA SAYS IT'S OK JUST DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU DOING IT AGAIN. I GUESS SHE DIDN'T WANT ME TO TURN OUT LIKE MY SISTER JANE[ i know you are wondering who is Jane just hold on that"s coming] MIND YOU WHAT SHE SAID DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU AND SHE NEVER DID AGAIN. THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY MOTHER THAT ABOUT 15 YEARS OF COUNSELING AND A REWIND ON ALL THE PAIN SHE SUFFERED WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN CARE OF.SHE DID THE BEST SHE COULD WITH WHAT SHE HAD, A TESTAMENT TO BLACK WOMEN EVERYWHERE. SHE JUST HAD DEMONS IN HER CLOSET THAT NO ONE SAVE JESUS COULD HELP HER WITH UNFORNATELY I DIDN'T FIND OUT UNTIL MY EARLY 20'S AND BY THEN I WAS OUT OF CONTROL AND OFF THE CHAIN.THOSE THAT LOVE OF MOST TRY TO LEAD US RIGHT AND USE THERE MISTAKES AS A GUIDE TO KEEP US ON THE RIGHT PATH , LESSONS LEARNED DO NOT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE PAINFUL IF WE LISTENTO THOSE THAT LOVE US MOST I WISH I HAD LOVE YOU MA

THE CORNER STORE

                      EVERY NEIGHBORHOOD HAS A CORNER STORE AT LEAST IN THE BLACK COMMUNITIES AND MINES WAS NO DIFFERENT, CORNER STORE, LIQUOR STORE AND SOMEWHERE TO GET YOUR EAT ON. EVERY HOOD THE SAME WE EVEN HAD THE DRUNKS WE KNEW BY NAME AND THEY ALL KNEW US. IN 1974 I WAS 10 AND JUST RUNNING WITH MY BUDDY'S WHEN MR. JIMMY ASKED ME TO DO HIM A FAVOR, NOW MR. JIMMY WAS ABOUT THE COOLEST DRUNK WE KNEW YOU NEVER SEE HIM FALL OUT BUT HE ALWAYS SMELLED LIKE WILD IRISH ROSE AND STINKY FEET. BUT ALL IN ALL HE WAS COOL ALWAYS HAD A STORY TO TELL YOU. JIMMY SAID I NEED YOU TO STAND NEXT TO ME IN FRONT OF THE LIQUOR STORE FOR A FEW MINUTES I DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING JUST STAND THERE, NOW JIMMY KNEW MY MOM AND I KNEW HE WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HURT ME SO I TOLD HIM COOL . SO AS I STOOD THERE JIMMY WENT THRU THESE LINES YOU GUYS HAVE HEARD THEM ALL CAN YOU SPARE A DIME OR QUARTER, I JUST LOOKED AT THE GROUND AND WONDERED WHY DID HE WANT ME THERE BUT AFTER ABOUT 20 MINUTES JIMMY HAD ABOUT 15 DOLLARS IN CHANGE AND ONES. NOW AT 10 I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER SO JIMMY GAVE ME 2 DOLLARS AND TOLD ME GO ON AND GET YOU SOMETHING FROM THE STORE AND HE'D SEE ME LATER. SHHHHHHHHHHHIT I WAS ON TOP OF THE WORLD 2 DOLLARS FOR STANDING I WAS ALRIGHT.SO I WENT IN THE  CORNER STORE FILLED MY BAG WITH A BUNCH OF CANDY AND I WAS GOOD. NOW THIS WENT ON FOR QUITE AWHILE I'D SHOW UP LIKE I WAS GOING TO A REAL JOB AND SHIT AND JIMMY WOULD BE THERE WAITING AND HE'D GET PAID JUST BECAUSE I STOOD THERE WITH HIM AND FOLKS THOUGHT I WAS HIS KID AND HE WAS TRYING TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT FOR ME.SOMETIMES WE'D GET THE SO-CALLED DO GOODER WHO'D GO IN THE CARRY OOUT AND BUY US SOMETHING TO EAT BUT MOST TIMES IT WAS ALL CASH MONEY. THE REST OF THE WINOS TRIED THAT SAME SHIT BUT NONE OF MY FRIENDS WOULD DO IT AND JIMMY DIDNT LIKE MY FRIENDS HE SAID THEY LOOKED TO SLICK. NOW JIMMY WAS GETTING PAID AND TELLING ME WHAT HE WAS DOING EVERY SO OFTEN HE'D START DRINKING ON THE JOB AND I'D HAVE TO TAKE OVER BY NOW I HAD LEARNED WHAT TO SAY I'D JUST HAVE TO PICK MY SPOT AND THE RIGHT PERSON NOW REMEMBER THIS IS LONG BEFORE CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES AND POLICE RUNNING LITTLE KIDS AWAY FROM PLACES. SO I WAS GOOD NOW IF THIS WAS GOING ON MY BLACK ASS WOULD BE IN A GROUP HOME AND MY MOM WOULD BE IN JAIL.OOOHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED.SO THE FIRST TIME I WAS A LITTLE SHAKEY IT'S LIKE RIDDING A BIKE YOU GOT TO KEEP TRYING AND AFTER A LITTLE WHILE I GOT PRETTY GOOD I COULD SIZE UP WHO WAS WHO AND IF THEY WOULD OR WOULDN'T GIVE UP ANY MONEY REAL QUICK AND BY THE TIME THE STREET LIGHTS CAME ON[ MY MOMMA ALWAYS TOLD ME HAVE MY ASS IN THE HOUSE WHEN THOSE LIGHTS CAME ON] I THINK I HAD ABOUT 25 DOLLARS AND YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE A LITTLE KID MONEY HAS NO VALUE SO WHEN I SHOOK JIMMY HIS DRUNK ASS ROSE UP AND I SAID HERE I GAVE HIM 20 AND I KEPT 5 AND RAN HOME QUICK, POCKETS JIGGLING LIKE I WAS CARRYING CHRISTMAS BELLS AS I GOT TO THE DOOR I REMEMBERED TO BE QUIET CAUSE IF MA HEARD ALL THAT CHANGE SHE'D WANNA KNOW WHERE I GOT IT .SO AS I TIPPED IN SHE LOOKED AROUND THE KITCHEN CORNER AND SAID YOU LATE I LIED TOLD HER I WAS OUT FRONT NOT FAR SHE SAID OK. I WLKED REAL SLOW IF YOU EVER HAD 5 DOLLARS IN CHANGE AND TRYING NOT TO GET CAUGHT YOU'D WALK SLOW TOO. SO THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT A MONTH NOW REMEMBER I SAID MA AND JIMMY KNEW EACH OTHER AND I FINALLY FOUND OUT HOW, MA AND JMMY DRANK TOGETHER GOT DAM DRUNK TOGETHER. WELL IT WAS FRIDAY NIGHT AND MA ALREADY SAID SHE'D BE LATE COMING HOME SO I WAS DOWN IN FRONT OF THE STORE WITH JIMMY AND BY NOW JIMMY HAD STARTED TO TAKE THINGS EASY AND WAS DRINKING MORE THEN HE WAS TRYING TO HUSTLE THE FOLKS OUT OF A DOLLAR, I THINK BECAUSE HE KNEW I WAS ON POINT. SO IT'S ABOUT 8 AT NIGHT AND JIMMY IS TWISTED LIKE THE CORK IN A WINE BOTTLE SITTING ON A MILK CRATE NEXT TO ME AND I AM WORKING EVERYONEAND OUT OF NO WHERE MA PULLS UP OUT OF NO WHERE AND BEFORE I KNEW IT SHE'D SMACKED THE COWBOY SHIT OUT OF ME AND PUNCH JIMMY IN THE MOUTH. MA WAS NO DAM JOKE!!!!!

DEDICATION

THIS IS DEDICATED TO ALL THE YOUNGSTER THAT EVER CALLED ME O.T. YOU GOT TO THINK HOW DID I LIVE TO GET THIS OLD? BESIDES THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS NEVER WAS NEVER WILL BE A OLD TIMER REALLY I AM A MONSTER IN HIBERNATION AND ALL IT TAKES IS ONE OF YOU FOOLS TO UNLEASH THE BEAST