STATE PROPERTY [ NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT THE NIGHTMARES]

WHEN I STARTED MY FIRST NUMBER I WAS 22 AND THOUGHT THAT IT WAS FOR A MINUTE BUT WHO WOULD KNOW THAT THAT MINUTE WOULD SPAN 16 YEARS ,THAT THAT MINUTE IN TIME WOULD SEE MY MOTHER PASS , MY SISTER DIE AND SO MANY OF MY OLD FRIENDS FALL VICTIM TO DRUG USE. THAT I WOULD WITNESS THE WORLD CHANGE BEHIND BARS AND I WAS STILL THE SAME. ONE OF THE MANY DRAW BACKS TO BEING STATE PROPERTY. THAT SCARED STRAIGHT WASN'T TRUE BECAUSE BEING IN JAIL IS LIKE GOING TO ANOTHER WORLD THAT REQUIRES YOU TO ADAPT OR DIE PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY OR EMOTIONALLY. FOR ME I KNOW IT WAS EMOTIONALLY EACH TIME THE DOORS TO THAT CELL CLOSED MORE OF ME CLOSED OFF THE WORLD BECAUSE I FELT IT DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. MISGUIDED, MISINFORMED AND MISUNDERSTOOD BY SO MANY INCLUDING MYSELF THAT ALL THIS WAS STRANGE. WHEN I FINALLY WENT TO THE PENITENTIARY IN MY FIRST WEEK I WITNESSED A HOMICIDE THE LIKES OF SOMETHING FROM AN OLD PRISON MOVIE, OZ HAD NOTHING ON THE REAL CAGE THAT MEN ARE FORCED TO LIVE IN. THE GUY IN QUESTION WAS ON THE PHONE HIS FRIEND WALKED IN PULLED OUT A KNIFE THE SIZE OF SOMETHING THAT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS SPAWNED FROM A SEQUEL TO BRAVEHEART. HE THRUST IT STRAIGHT IN HIS SIDE PULLED IT OUT AND WAS PREPARING TO STRIKE AGAIN WHEN THE GUY IN QUESTION TOOK OFF RUNNING WHILE THE BLOOD WAS LITERALLY GUSHING FROM HIS SIDE. SEVERAL OTHER INMATES AND I WITNESSED THE WHOLE SCENE. THE GUY CHASED HIM THUR THE DORMITORY AND OUTSIDE STILL WIELDING THE SWORD CAUGHT HIM TWICE MORE HE WAS ABLE TO STAGGER TO WHERE THE CORRECTIONAL OFFICERS WERE BEFORE HE DIED. THAT WAS JUST ONE NIGHT IN THAT WORLD YOU MAY ASK WHERE WERE THE GUARDS? YOU SEE IN THE PENITENTIARY GUARDS ARE NOT THERE TO WITNESS MOST MAYHEM OR WILL THEY STEP IN THEY ARE INSTRUCTED TO STAND BY AND WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE THEIR PRIMARY FUNCTION IS TO SUSTAIN THEIR LIVES AND HOPE HELP COMES BEFORE THEY BECOME A VICTIM TOO. I STILL WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT REMEMBERING THE SHOCKED LOOK ON DUDES FACE AS HIS LIFE WAS SLOWLY SEEPING FROM HIS FORM.I HAVE SHOT MEN AND THAT LOOK WAS NO WHERE CLOSE TO ANYTHING YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE. IN PRISON I WITNESSED ACTS OF VIOLENCE THAT WOULD TURN YOUR STOMACH AND YET YOU JUST LEARNED TO SAY HEY I AM GLAD IT WASN'T ME.PRISON STRIPPED SO MUCH EMOTION FROM ME THAT I TRULY FORGOT ABOUT THE OUTSIDE WORLD IT LITERALLY SEEMED LIKE A FOREIGN PLANET WHEN WE'D WATCH T.V. IN ONE OF THE BOOKS I AM QUITE FOND OF CALLED THE BELLY OF THE BEAST THE AUTHOR A INMATE TOLD OF THE PSYCHOLOGICAL DEPTHS THAT EACH ONE OF US TRAVEL TO SURVIVE IN JAIL. THAT LIKE ON THE STREETS DRUGS IS AN ESCAPE FROM THE REALITY OF BEING STRIPED OF BEING HUMAN,THAT HOMOSEXUALITY IS A WEAPON THAT IS FORCED UPON SOME AND EXCEPTED BY OTHERS AS THEIR WAY OF COPING WITH THE SITUATION THAT IS AT HAND. NO ONE EVER EXPLAINED THE FACT THAT  TO UNDER TAKE THIS RITUAL OF BECOMING STATE PROPERTY I.E. MY RITE OF PASSAGE INTO MANHOOD WOULD BE THE REASON I WAKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HEARING MY DEAD MOTHER'S SCREAMS OR HEAR MY SISTERS VOICE CALLING ME FROM BEYOND.THAT ALL THOSE PEOPLE THAT WERE APART OF MY LIFE  IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER THAT I LOVED WOULDN'T BE AROUND TO SEE ME MATURE AS A MAN. THAT BY THE AGE OF 36 I HAD WITNESSED MORE ACTS OF RANDOM VIOLENCE THEN MOST SANE PEOPLE SEE IN A LIFE TIME.THAT PRISON LITERALLY CULTIVATES CRIMINAL ACTIVITY BECAUSE THIS IS THE WAY IT IS DESIGNED. GUARDS TURN BLIND EYES TO THINGS TO ALLOW THE NATIVES NOT TO BECOME RESTLESS. THOSE THAT SURVIVE AND ARE RELEASED THE SYSTEM WILL EVENTUALLY GET YOU BACK . THEY SAY THEY WANT TO REHABILITATE YOU BUT JOBS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN AND FRUSTRATION IS LIKE THE SKIN YOU ARE BORN INTO,FOREVER ALWAYS THERE.EVEN IF YOU FINISH THAT NUMBER IN OUR OUT OF JAIL YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. SOME WOULD SAY THAT'S NOT TRUE AND OTHERS WOULD SAY WHO HAVE BEEN THERE THAT I AM WEAK. BUT IN THOSE LATE HOURS JUST BEFORE DAWN WHEN YOU FIND ONE OF US WHO WAS THERE, HE'LL BE SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE BED WONDERING EVEN AFTER 10 YEARS OF FREEDOM WHY HE CAN NOT REST THAT NIGHT IT HAPPENS AND IF THEY TELL YOU IT DOESN'T IT'S A LIE BECAUSE ONCE YOU ARE STATE PROPERTY FOR ANY NUMBER OF YEARS YOU STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT THAT PLACE OR GOING BACK