THE BALLAD or THE BULLET PART 2

As I walked home measuring my steps carefully not wanting to get winded or allow my heart to beat any faster than it already was.I knew I was fortunate that I hadn't had anything to drink or indulge in any narcotics because all that would have allowed my heart to beat faster and I would have bleed out before I made it home. So by the time I got home I realized that i need to move quickly before I lost to much blood now remember this was all before the CSI  revolution so I  was still careful not to drop any blood and I walk straight into my apartment and right into the shower, stripped naked there and began to see what was going on my head had stopped bleeding which meant the bleed had coagulated and that was fine but the bullet wound in my chest was still seeping slowly which meant I needed medical attention. So I got out of the shower and redressed in another set of clothes, went into the bathroom with the trash bag I had and gathering up all of my bloody clothes careful not to leave anything. Then I did the stupidest thing I panicked don't know why but i did, so I went down the street about 8 blocks to where my mom was you see even the coldest killer still runs to his mom in time of need, now it's about1 in the morning and I am knocking on her door.She says whats wrong and I tell her I am hungry so she starts cursing like she always does but she does it but she does it and then she notices the spot on my shirt and sees the wound thats when all hell brakes loose. When I tell her ,she makes me either go to the hospital or she is calling the police. So sadly I took my ass to the hospital interesting note[ never get in a taxi with an immigrant when you are in trouble because when i got to the hospital  i asked him to take me to the emergency room entrance because i had been shot. he starts cursing in some language so strange i thought he was summoning his god . I tell him to hold on as i am getting out so i can get his change and he just speeds off.CAN YOU SAY LACK OF GREEN CARD. So i get the how can i help you that's when this nurse hits some dam panic button and about 5 people run out throw my ass on a gurney and roll me into the emergency room and i start cursing telling them hold on I got here under my own power [ THEY KNEW BUT THEY COULDN'T PROVE A DAM THING NEXT CHAPTER

THE BALLAD or THE BULLET

Let it be known that I have shot people and that is nothing to be proud of and have been shot during the course of an attempted stick up. Mind you i was always taught that if you are in that position reliquish all and hope that he has enough mercy not to shoot you dead but youth and the non fear of death made me see it otherwise.I was about 23 about 320lbs of pure dam nasty never took a short or gave one when slinging drugs that was before i got into the business part. but one night evidently someone had been watching me for a while i got comfortable where i was and thought that a was safe.It was about 9:00 pm I remember because i never went on the block before that time didn't want anyones kids seeing what i was doing after about an 1/2 hour this guy comes up to me to by something remember they had been watching so as i bent down he cracks me right in the face with his pistol and blood starts gushing every where and he says give me everything you got. At that split second everything went out the window all reason and I gave him every thing i had which consisted of 4, 38 caliber bullets and as I was squeezing off shot after shot he caught me once with his gun. Now remember who ever was watching me didn't know I had a weapon because i was always taught if you ain't gonna use it never pull it out. His 1 shot hit me point blank range in the chest I NEVER FELT IT, but as i continued to fire the thing i remeber most was the shocked look in his eyes it didn't help any that i cursed his dumb ass out and told him that if he hadn't have hit me i wouldv'e given him everything then i just took off running until i was far enough away to slow down. It's strange the things you remember in times of great turmoil, I remembered not to panic, control my breathing and measure my steps so as i came up on the otherside head gushing with blood and my chest wet I walked slowly home which was about 12 blocks and as i was walking police cars rolled past me. I never broke what little stride I could manage . On the way to my place i stopped and was able to hide my merchandice and weapon for later retreival. Now this is not a story to help me make my way to heaven but to clear my path for redemption and these stories are the reasons why I can tell the difference between a fire cracker and a 9mm, the difference between a mac 10 and a 380. These are not just  ghetto fairy tales

THE DEATH OF INNOCENCE

ALTHOUGH MY CHILDHOOD WAS FILLED WITH MY MOMS ALOCHOLISM AND MY SISTERS DRUG ABUSE. YOU NEVER LOOSE YOUR INNOCENCE UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOU. MY INNOCENCE WAS BURIED AT 12 WHEN I SAW MY SISTER SHOOT DOPE IN HER ARM.IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A TRIVIAL MATTER BECAUSE I HAD SEEN IT IN PASSING BEFORE, BUT WHEN IT IS A FAMILY MEMBER A LITTLE PIECE OF YOU DIES AND IN TURN YOU BECOME HARDER ON THE INSIDE BECAUSE THE WORLD BECOMES A LITTLE COLDER BECAUSE YOU ARE ALONE IN YOUR MISERY. THERE IS A SET METHOD TO SHOOTING DOPE AT LEAST IT WAS BACK THEN. THE BOTTLE TOPS WERE METAL AND THAT'S HOW YOU COOKED THE DOPE YOU USED MATCHES AND COTTON TO HELP FILTER IT. THE REASON I KNOW THIS SO WELL BECAUSE AS I AM WRITING THIS I AM VISUALIZING EVERYTHING I REMEMBER AS A CHILD AND IT ISN'T THAT DIFFICULT TO REMEMBER. WE ALL TEND TO BURY THINGS IN OUR MEMORIES AS THIS IS SUPPOSE TO HEAL ME IN SOME SENSE,I AM RESURRECTING ALLOT. IN THE PAST 20 YEARS I HAVE NOT SLEPT A TOTAL NIGHT AND THERE ARE TIMES I WONDER IF THAT IS THE PUNISHMENT I SUFFER FOR NOT FULFILLING MY OWN DESTINY OR GOD'S STRANGE SENSE OF HUMOR TO HELP ME TO REPENT

STATE PROPERTY [ NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT THE NIGHTMARES]

WHEN I STARTED MY FIRST NUMBER I WAS 22 AND THOUGHT THAT IT WAS FOR A MINUTE BUT WHO WOULD KNOW THAT THAT MINUTE WOULD SPAN 16 YEARS ,THAT THAT MINUTE IN TIME WOULD SEE MY MOTHER PASS , MY SISTER DIE AND SO MANY OF MY OLD FRIENDS FALL VICTIM TO DRUG USE. THAT I WOULD WITNESS THE WORLD CHANGE BEHIND BARS AND I WAS STILL THE SAME. ONE OF THE MANY DRAW BACKS TO BEING STATE PROPERTY. THAT SCARED STRAIGHT WASN'T TRUE BECAUSE BEING IN JAIL IS LIKE GOING TO ANOTHER WORLD THAT REQUIRES YOU TO ADAPT OR DIE PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY OR EMOTIONALLY. FOR ME I KNOW IT WAS EMOTIONALLY EACH TIME THE DOORS TO THAT CELL CLOSED MORE OF ME CLOSED OFF THE WORLD BECAUSE I FELT IT DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. MISGUIDED, MISINFORMED AND MISUNDERSTOOD BY SO MANY INCLUDING MYSELF THAT ALL THIS WAS STRANGE. WHEN I FINALLY WENT TO THE PENITENTIARY IN MY FIRST WEEK I WITNESSED A HOMICIDE THE LIKES OF SOMETHING FROM AN OLD PRISON MOVIE, OZ HAD NOTHING ON THE REAL CAGE THAT MEN ARE FORCED TO LIVE IN. THE GUY IN QUESTION WAS ON THE PHONE HIS FRIEND WALKED IN PULLED OUT A KNIFE THE SIZE OF SOMETHING THAT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS SPAWNED FROM A SEQUEL TO BRAVEHEART. HE THRUST IT STRAIGHT IN HIS SIDE PULLED IT OUT AND WAS PREPARING TO STRIKE AGAIN WHEN THE GUY IN QUESTION TOOK OFF RUNNING WHILE THE BLOOD WAS LITERALLY GUSHING FROM HIS SIDE. SEVERAL OTHER INMATES AND I WITNESSED THE WHOLE SCENE. THE GUY CHASED HIM THUR THE DORMITORY AND OUTSIDE STILL WIELDING THE SWORD CAUGHT HIM TWICE MORE HE WAS ABLE TO STAGGER TO WHERE THE CORRECTIONAL OFFICERS WERE BEFORE HE DIED. THAT WAS JUST ONE NIGHT IN THAT WORLD YOU MAY ASK WHERE WERE THE GUARDS? YOU SEE IN THE PENITENTIARY GUARDS ARE NOT THERE TO WITNESS MOST MAYHEM OR WILL THEY STEP IN THEY ARE INSTRUCTED TO STAND BY AND WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE THEIR PRIMARY FUNCTION IS TO SUSTAIN THEIR LIVES AND HOPE HELP COMES BEFORE THEY BECOME A VICTIM TOO. I STILL WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT REMEMBERING THE SHOCKED LOOK ON DUDES FACE AS HIS LIFE WAS SLOWLY SEEPING FROM HIS FORM.I HAVE SHOT MEN AND THAT LOOK WAS NO WHERE CLOSE TO ANYTHING YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE. IN PRISON I WITNESSED ACTS OF VIOLENCE THAT WOULD TURN YOUR STOMACH AND YET YOU JUST LEARNED TO SAY HEY I AM GLAD IT WASN'T ME.PRISON STRIPPED SO MUCH EMOTION FROM ME THAT I TRULY FORGOT ABOUT THE OUTSIDE WORLD IT LITERALLY SEEMED LIKE A FOREIGN PLANET WHEN WE'D WATCH T.V. IN ONE OF THE BOOKS I AM QUITE FOND OF CALLED THE BELLY OF THE BEAST THE AUTHOR A INMATE TOLD OF THE PSYCHOLOGICAL DEPTHS THAT EACH ONE OF US TRAVEL TO SURVIVE IN JAIL. THAT LIKE ON THE STREETS DRUGS IS AN ESCAPE FROM THE REALITY OF BEING STRIPED OF BEING HUMAN,THAT HOMOSEXUALITY IS A WEAPON THAT IS FORCED UPON SOME AND EXCEPTED BY OTHERS AS THEIR WAY OF COPING WITH THE SITUATION THAT IS AT HAND. NO ONE EVER EXPLAINED THE FACT THAT  TO UNDER TAKE THIS RITUAL OF BECOMING STATE PROPERTY I.E. MY RITE OF PASSAGE INTO MANHOOD WOULD BE THE REASON I WAKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HEARING MY DEAD MOTHER'S SCREAMS OR HEAR MY SISTERS VOICE CALLING ME FROM BEYOND.THAT ALL THOSE PEOPLE THAT WERE APART OF MY LIFE  IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER THAT I LOVED WOULDN'T BE AROUND TO SEE ME MATURE AS A MAN. THAT BY THE AGE OF 36 I HAD WITNESSED MORE ACTS OF RANDOM VIOLENCE THEN MOST SANE PEOPLE SEE IN A LIFE TIME.THAT PRISON LITERALLY CULTIVATES CRIMINAL ACTIVITY BECAUSE THIS IS THE WAY IT IS DESIGNED. GUARDS TURN BLIND EYES TO THINGS TO ALLOW THE NATIVES NOT TO BECOME RESTLESS. THOSE THAT SURVIVE AND ARE RELEASED THE SYSTEM WILL EVENTUALLY GET YOU BACK . THEY SAY THEY WANT TO REHABILITATE YOU BUT JOBS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN AND FRUSTRATION IS LIKE THE SKIN YOU ARE BORN INTO,FOREVER ALWAYS THERE.EVEN IF YOU FINISH THAT NUMBER IN OUR OUT OF JAIL YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. SOME WOULD SAY THAT'S NOT TRUE AND OTHERS WOULD SAY WHO HAVE BEEN THERE THAT I AM WEAK. BUT IN THOSE LATE HOURS JUST BEFORE DAWN WHEN YOU FIND ONE OF US WHO WAS THERE, HE'LL BE SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE BED WONDERING EVEN AFTER 10 YEARS OF FREEDOM WHY HE CAN NOT REST THAT NIGHT IT HAPPENS AND IF THEY TELL YOU IT DOESN'T IT'S A LIE BECAUSE ONCE YOU ARE STATE PROPERTY FOR ANY NUMBER OF YEARS YOU STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT THAT PLACE OR GOING BACK

STATE PROPERTY

IN AFRICA YOUNG BOYS WERE GIVEN TESTS OF COURAGE TO BECOME RECOGNIZED BY THEIR VILLAGE AS MEN. THE SAME AS IT WAS FOR MOST ANCIENT TRIBES OF OLD THAT THERE YOUNG BOYS FACED TRIALS AND WERE DEEMED MEN. FROM THE EARLY 70'S ON THESE TRIALS YOUNG MEN WERE NOT CONSIDERED MEN UNTIL THEY BECOME INCARCERATED AND THIS DEEMED THEM MEN BY THEIR PEERS. TO BECOME STATE PROPERTY TOOK ON A LIFE OF IT'S OWN AND YOUNG MEN COLLECTED THIS BADGE WILLINGLY NOT KNOWING THE DIVESTING EFFECT IT WOULD HAVE ON SO  MANY FUTURE GENERATIONS. I WAS UNAWARERE OF THIS UNTIL I BECAME STATE PROPERTY THEN IT WAS A BADGE OF COURAGE NOW IT IS A AN KER AROUND MY NECK THAT I REGRETABLE WILL WEAR UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. STATE PROPERTY IS WHAT I WAS AND IT HAS TAKEN ME SOME YEARS TO REALIZE THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM NOW, THAT I GOT TRAPPED BY MY OWN IGNORANCE OF LIFE AND WHAT SURVIVUAL WAS. A SURVIVUAL THAT I HAD A CHOICE WHETHER I WANTED TO BE APART OF AND I CHOSE TO BE . DO I REGRET IT NO! BECAUSE IF I DID THEN THAT WOULD MEAN THESE EXPERIENCES WOULDN'T HAVE MADE ME THE MAN THAT I AM.

CASUALTY OF THE VEITNAM WAR [R.I.P. SIS] PART 3

MY SISTER WAS WHO SHE WAS AND I CAN NOT FAULT HER FOR ANYTHING I JUST WISH WE'D GOT TO SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER AS I GOT OLDER.MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED THE THINGS THAT WERE TOLD TO ME AS GOSPEL.BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS ABOUT THE TIME I TURNED 17 I SAW HER AGAIN SHE HAD MET A MAN AND WAS GETTING READY TO GET MARRIED AGAIN. I THOUGHT SHE WAS HAPPY AND I GUESS SHE DID TOO.YEARS PAST AND SHE MOVED TO TEXAS WITH THIS GUY, WHILE THERE SHE HAD 3 MORE KIDS AND I FOUND OUT THAT THIER RELATIONSHIP WAS ROCKY. BY THIS TIME I HAD BECOME STATE PROPERTY AND WAS OUT ON PAROLE LIVING IWTH GRANNY WHEN ONE EVENING SHE TOLD ME THE NEWS I MUST HAVE BEEN HOME ABOUT 6 MONTHS WHEN IT CAME OUT . BY THIS TIME GRANNY WAS IN HER LATE 80'S AND THINGS SEEMED TO SLIP HER MIND. THE STORY GOES THAT HER AND THIS MAN HAD ALOT OF DOMESTIC ABUSE BETWEEN THEM, HIS BACK GROUND AND HERS WELL I GUESS THAT WAS LIKE OIL AND WATER. GRANNY GOT A CALL FROM TEXAS SAYING SHE HAD DIED AND THEY WERE HAVING A FUNERAL RIGHT AWAY NO ONE COULD GET THERE THAT QUICK BUT SHE NEVER GOT BURIED THE AUTHORITIES HAD STARTED TO INVESTIGATE AND FOUND OUT SHE DIDN'T DIE IN  HER SLEEP. SHE DIED  FROM MASSIVE INTERNAL HEMMORAGES CAUSED FROM BLUNT FORCE TRAMA. THE HUSBAND WAS LOCKED UP FOR MURDER AND FROM WHAT IS TOLD TO ME HE IS STILL IN A TEXAS CORRECTIONAL FACITLITY DOING ATLEAST 80% OF WHAT EVER SENTENCE HE RECEIVED. NOW I PRAY THAT HER AND MA FINALLY MADE UP AND ARE ATLEAST CIVIL TO ONE ANOTHER IN THE AFTER LIFE. THE KIDS I HAVE NO IDEA BUT I PRAY THEY ARE WELL AND THAT MY SISTER GAVE THEM SOME SEMBLANCE OF LOVE. BUT THE WAY THIS WORLD SEEMS TO BE A DOUBT IT. YET IN ALL I KEEP HOPE ALIVE THAT THEY ALL ARE HAPPY AND THAT THAT ONE BIG FAMILY REUNION WILL BE PEACEFUL.

A CASUALITY OF THE VEITNAM WAR [R.I.P. SIS] PART 2

SHE WAS SO SPECIAL AND YET IN SO MUCH PAIN THAT ONLY THE NARCOTICS THAT SHE PURCHASED OR WERE GIVEN TO HERE COULD EASE IT. AT 16 MY SISTER BEGAN A JOURNEY THAT LANDED HER IN PLACES THAT NO ONE COULD IMAGINE. SHE USE TO TAKE ME EVERY WHERE WITH HER AND THAT'S HOW I FOUND OUT. MA USE TO MAKE HER TAKE ME AT FIRST THEN AFTER ABOUT A MONTH IT WAS JUST NATURAL. I GUESS SHE WASN'T TRYING TO LET ME SEE OUR MOTHER DRUNK AND FALLING ON THE FLOOR.WE'D GO TO HOUSE PARTIES EVERY WEEKEND. SHE'D JUST DRESS ME UP LIKE A LITTLE MIDGET PUT A HAT ON ME AND TELL EVERYONE I WAS HER DATE EVERYBODY EXCEPT CLOSE FRIENDS KNEW WHO I WAS,BUT BY THE END OF MOST NIGHTS EVERYONE HAD FIGURED IT OUT BECAUSE I WOULD EVENTUALLY BE A SLEEP IN SOME BODY'S BEDROOM OR ON A COUCH. FOR YEARS HER FRIENDS CALLED ME MIDGET MAN. I GUESS DURING THAT TIME I WAS HER BUFFER THE REASON SHE DIDN'T USE TO EXCESS BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GET ME HOME.SO ABOUT 2 YEARS LATER T ALL STARTED TO FALL APART AND SHE JUST STARTED USING REGULAR AND WE JUST GREW DISTANT FROM ONE ANOTHER SHE DID TIME IN JAIL ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS, WHICH BY THEN HAD BECOME A RITE OF PASSAGE FOR MOST YOUNG ADULTS. NEVER SPOKE OF BY PARENTS BUT ACKNOWLEDGE WE AS THEY USE TO SAY " SHE'S ON THAT SHIT". I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO EXPLAIN IT TO OUR MOTHER WHEN I WAS 12 I THINK BECAUSE PERIODICALLY SHE'D COME HOME TO EITHER GET CLEANED UP OR JUST CHILL. THE DAY I FOUND THE MATCH STICKS ,SODA BOTTLE CAP AND COTTON IN THE TOILET I KNEW THAT SHE WAS ALL THE WAY GONE. MY MOM DE NEIGHED IT AND I GOT A ASS WHIPPING FOR EVEN SAYING THAT,I JUST WANTED TO HELP MY SISTER AND I THOUGHT MA WOULD. BUT SHE DIDN'T AND IT WAS JUST SOMETHING THAT WAS NEVER DISCUSSED. I'D WATCH MY SISTER STRUGGLE FOR YEARS AND AT 29 SHE GOT MARRIED BUT HE WAS DOING THE SAME THING SHE WAS THEY BOTH HID IT FOR A MOMENT BUT WE KNEW. THEY HAD A BABY AND FOR A WHILE EVERYTHING WAS COOL UNTIL HE GOT CLEAN AND SHE WAS STILL DOING IT. THEY DEVORCES AFTER 6 YEARS AND THE BOY LARRY LIVED WITH HIS FATHER, WHO IN HIS OWN RIGHT WAS AS DISFUNCTIONAL AS SHE WAS. ITS BEEN OVER 20 SOME YEARS SINCE I HAVE SEEN HIM AND STILL T THIS DAY I WONDER HOW HE IS. ABOUT 8 YEARS AGO HE SHOWED UP AT GRANNYS I WASN'T THERE HE HAD JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL, HAD A WIFE AND A NEW BORN AND WAS DOING OK. OUR CULTURE SUFFERS SO WHEN FAMILYS DON'T STAY IN TACT ONE PARENT HOMES BREED A ONE WAY TICKET TO JAIL IN SO MANY CASES AND MEN ARE NOT THERE TO BE REAL FATHERS AND MOTHERS STRUGGLE TO RISE MEN AND SO MANY OF US SLIP THRU THE CRACKS. WE SAY THAT COCAINE CAUSED MOST OF IT BUT I FEEL IF THAT WERE TRUE THEN HEROIN WAS THE CATAPULT THAT DROVE SO MUCH OF OUR SOCIETY TO THE PLACE THAT WE ARE AT NOW. I KNOW WE DIDN'T HAVE THE BOATS OR PLANES TO BRING THAT SHIT HERE. NO BLACK MAN EVER GOT RICH FRON SEELING NORCOTICS AND STAYED ALIVE AND OUT OF JAIL THIS SYSTEM IS NOT DESIGHED FOR THAT. WE ARE GIVEN DREAMS THRU MOVIES LIKE SCAREFACE, PAID IN FULL, AMERICAN GANGSTER,AND BELLY. TO MAKE USE BELIEVE THAT AN EDUCATION IS NOT IMPORTANT AND THAT OUR ONLY WAY OUT OF THE STRUGGLE IS TO EITHER PICK UP A BAG OF DRUGS OR A FOOTBALL AND BY THE TIME WE REALIZE THIS ISN'T TRUE YOU ARE STATE PROPERTY. BUT I DIGESS BACK TO MY SISTER