Ms.Camille My 9 1/2 weeks

Camille for no other reason other then the virtue that she taught me deserves this. My friend told me that in writing this blog it would heal the sleepless nights and calm the pain of my past, is it working I ask myself only time will tell,but back to her.Ms Camille was extraordinary in everything she did and how she embraced life at 20 something I had never had a woman turn me inside out emotionally and physically. She made me a smarter person and helpt me analyze people in fact i think if it wasn't for her and my mother's persistent poking and pushing I'd have never went back to school.She'd ask is this what i wanted to do with the rest of my life and i"d just get quiet like a child being chastised by a parent. She was and probably still is a force of nature all wrapped up in that sweet package. Dedicated to the sexiness in her.Ms. Camille you were my 9 1/2 weeks and i thank you

GREAT LOVES PT 4 THE VET

If you ever have been involved with an older person you will understand the title, this evening I lay it out about my veteran Ms. Camille, she taught me so much in that i thought that my life was just selling drugs and going home to sleep. She showed me how to live and have fun, intelligent ,smart,and sexy in such a way that made men draw to her like a moth to a flame. She wasn't your average older woman and for real I  honestly believe those white folks hi jacked the term cougar from her because she was all that and a bag of diamonds but there was no disguising it. Camille was 5'11, 250 and had swagg long before it became a popular term back then we just thought she was uppity.I has met her during my youth when i was on the corner throwing rocks at the glass house it was always a hi and bye thing nothing other then that.When i came home after my first number i happened to run into her and we just started chatting ohhh! I didn't know at the time that she was the bag lady for some other guy, just carrying to make a few dollars nothing serious, but we kept running into one another. I finally got up the heart to ask her out it wasn't asking her out it was like hey what you doing tomorrow if you are not busy come holler at me. Nothing serious well she did the one strange thing about her was she was different older and wanted to do things at 20 something my womanly education was lacking. She was sooo cool and i suspect to this day she still has allot of that left. She was the first woman who took me to the movies in the afternoon and we saw double features because there wasn't that many people in the theater, eating lunch with her was a treat. She was a bad bitch carried a pistol i am still mad to this day she would never let me shoot it, talked shit and could drink any nigger up under the dam table. She sure did it to me more then once and no it was n't anything other then her experience that did that. She was my first real sex partner and i say that with respect because of who she is and what she taught me about making love. i can't even say we fucked except the first time then she told me in that way she always had part gangster ,part friend and definitely helper and companion. " Man if you want to keep seeing me you got to come better then that' we got to work on this thing" I was young and i think my feelings got hurt but that look she would give me with those eyes just made it all better. Camille did help me work on my sex game but more then that she help me know and enjoy the meaning of life for a moment. She was and i think will always be who she was great heart sexy ass body and one hell of a lover in every aspect of the word, she just had a few rules if i went out and fucked someone else wear a condom and don't bring my shit to her door if I did that i was cool.I honestly enjoyed the time i spent with her out of bed more then i enjoyed in bed OHHHHH!!!! hell naww who am i lieing to that woman turned me out some days niggers were looking for me and i was with her, she drove and we went everywhere and she made me smile. She was always encouraging and wanted me to do more with my life,she let me cook for her and somedays we'd spend time just chilling. Yes she could cook and watching her in the kitchen was a sexy thing, she had ass for mother fucking days and i was fortunate that sometimes she'd cook naked with a apron and she'd call me by my full name no nick names and she'd make it sound sexy, DAMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss that and she holds that place of grace in my memory PART 2 TO COME

GREAT LOVES pt3

THEN THERE WAS NOVA,I MET HER DURING MY TIME OF INCARCERATION. SHE WAS AND STILL IS BEAUTY DEFINED AND A COLD DAM GANGSTER. NOVA WAS THAT GIRL THAT IF YOU WERE SO INCLINED TO WOULD ACTUALLY BE THE CHOICE TO HIT UP A BANK WITH. THIS WAS LONG BEFORE HIP HOP MADE UP THE TERM GANGSTER BITCH AND PLEASE NO ONE TELL HER I CALLED HER THAT I WOULD REALLY HAVE TO GO INTO WITNESS PROTECTION. SHE WAS IN FOR VARIOUS CRIMES AT TIMES SHE WOULD TRY TO TELL ME BUT I WAS STRUGGLING WITH MY OWN SINS. YOU SEE IN COUNTY JAILS THEY CONFINE THE MEN AND WOMEN TOGETHER JUST ON DIFFERENT SIDES, WHAT HAPPENED WAS JUST AS A MATTER OF FACT, SHE WORKED IN THE KITCHEN AND DELIVERED THE FOOD TRAYS SO DUDES WERE ALWAYS HOLLERING AT HER. ME FOR SAY DIDN'T THINK ABOUT FOOD I JUST WANTED SOMEONE TO WRITE TO, SOMEONE TO SHARE WITH AND NOVA DID TOO. I HAD COME BACK FROM A FEDERAL PRISON FOR SOME REASON WHEN I SAW HER. SHE MADE MOVES AND COULD GET AROUND WE DID THE PRISON EXCHANGE THING AND STARTED WRITING TO ONE ANOTHER AND AS THE MONTHS WENT ON, WE STARTED CARING FOR ONE ANOTHER. NOW DON'T ASK ME HOW I THINK IT HAS TO DO WITH THE PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECTS OF CONFINEMENT AND YOU JUST WANTING TO KNOW SOMEONE CARES BUT IT WAS NICE. LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT NOVA WAS A PLAYER TO SHE WAS ALSO WRITING 3 OR 4 OTHER GUYS. I FOUND OUT BECAUSE ONE OF THEM APPROACHED ME AND TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS HIS WOMAN, NOW ME BEING WHO I AM MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS TO THROW HIS ASS OFF THE TIER BUT I REMEMBERED THIS WAS A COUNTY JAIL AND I COULDN'T AFFORD ANY TROUBLE. SO I SAID OK SHE'S YOURS IF YOU FEEL THAT STRONG JUST TELL HER TO STOP WRITING ME. HE JUST SMILED AND THOUGHT HE'D GOTTEN OVER, WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW WAS HE JUST WANTED HER BECAUSE SHE GAVE HIM EXTRA FOOD. SO WE STOPPED SPEAKING AND WHAT FINALLY CAME TO PASS WAS SHE ACTUALLY HAD A FRIEND OF HERS COME ASK ME WHAT WAS GOING ON, ACTUALLY IT WAS A PRISON GUARD THAT HAD KNOWN HER ON THE STREETS. I EXPLAINED AND HE TOLD ME HE RESPECTED THAT FACT AND LEFT IT ALONE. DAYS LATER THERE WAS A RAP ON MY CELL DOOR THE SAME GUY OPENS THE CELL AND TELLS ME TO COME INTO THE SALLY PORT AND THERE IS NOVA, SHE HITS ME WITH THIS THUG SHIT LIKE WHATS UP WITH YOU AND I EXPLAIN SHE SAYS NAWWW IT AINT LIKE THAT. I WANT YOU AND HE IS JUST A FRIEND. I NEVER SAID A WORD AND THIS BIZZARE COURTSHIP KEPT GOING ON. SHE GOT TRANSFERRED TO A FEDERAL PRISON AND I FINALLY GOT SENT BACK TO WHERE I WAS SUPPOSE TO BE. 2 YEARS LATER I WAS LAYING IN MY BED AND THEY WERE HAVING MAIL CALL AND GUESS WHO I GET A LETTER FROM? NOVA!!!! SHE WAS HOME AND DOING OK WHICH WAS NICE TO KNOW AND TO BE HONEST I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD HEAR FROM HERE, WE WROTE TO ONE ANOTHER OVER THE YEARS. THERE WAS AND STILL IS SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT HER, SOMETHING I GUESS YOU DONT QUESTION YOU JUST ENJOY. SO WHEN I FINALLY GET OUT THE SECOND TIME NOVA COMES TO GET ME FROM THE HALFWAY HOUSE, TO BE HUGGED BY HER OHHHHHHHHHHH YOU KNEW YOU WERE LOVED. SHE IS EXCEPTIONAL IN EVERY ASPECT. NOVA WAS A DRUG THAT IF YOU REALLY TOOK IT YOU'D BE HOOKED FOR LIFE SOME NIGHTS EVEN NOW I STILL GO THRU WITHDRAWALS. THE STRANGEST THING WAS SHE HAD A VICIOUS ALMOST SUPER HUMAN SEXUAL APPETITE I MEAN THE TIMES WE MADE LOVE WERE EXCEPTIONAL. SOMETIMES I THINK A MAN ON VIAGRA WOULD HAVE HAD A TOUGH TIME WITH HER. I MEAN I REMEMBER ONE NIGHT I LITERALLY HAD TO GET UP AND GO OUTSIDE HAVE A SMOKE AND GET SOME AIR SHE WAS EXTRA ORDINARY IN EVERY ASPECT.THAT NIGHT I REMEBER SHE HOLLERED HEYY!!!! WHERE YOU GOING I AIN'T FINISHED YET THE ONLY THING I COULD DO WAS SHAKE MY HEAD MAN UP AND DO WHAT I HAD TO DO. SHE LOVE YOU UNTIL YOU COLLAPSE THEN WAKE UP UP FEED YOU AND LOVE YOU SOME MORE. I GUESS YOU ARE WONDERING WHY I DIDN'T MARRY HER WELL WE JUST GREW APART AND GOT OLD. NOW EVERY NOW AND THEN I WILL SEE HER PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND DARE MYSELF TO ASK HER FOR A FRIENDS REQUEST BUT WHEN SHE SAYS YES I KNOW I WILL HAVE TO GO RIGHT AWAY AND GET ME A PRESCRIPTION FOR VIAGRA BECAUSE SHE PROBABLY STILL GOES LIKE A RABBIT

If only they knew, the lord had there back

If you remember the year nelson mandela got released and mike tyson got knocked out that was the same year I lost my mother and my dam sanity.I was already up on charges and like most youngsters back then I said fuck the police let them come get we we will settle it in the streets but unlike most of my peers I  was serious. So I  kept doing what I do slinging them things and making paper couldn't do but so much because I  already knew the warrant squad was out for me. Don't get this twisted I wasn't scareface, bumpy johnson or frank lucas. Truth be told I was an ordinary drug dealer scrambling for a dollar like every other fool at that time. Society had glorified what was a quiet hustle that men did to get by and some of my peers put themselves out there with flash. So on that night I had spent with my mother had started spending allot of time with her lately as the alcoholism had begun to take it's toll and I  was the only one around to care for her, her boyfriend whom she loved was a drunk so it was like living with the virus he fed her and they seemed happy.Until I just got tired one night and put the iron to his mother fucking head and told him he had to leave. That's how I basically wound up staying there out of guilt and love, I'd go out during the night and be home with her during the day. Funny how you remember things as you get older in looking back I should have sent her to the hospital but I knew in my heart she was not going to be around to much longer. So we settled in to some type of routine and as she got worse I became the parent and she became the child, we excepted or roles and things went on good for awhile that dam woman must have had brought a 10 month supply of booze because evrytime i thought i got the last bottle she'd have another. Moms most have been some kin to Houdini or something. So about the middle of January i didn't want to go anywhere that night so i stayed at mom's place with her making sure she kept away from any alcohol and taking her medication about 9 that night that knock came out the door we all have heard it before BAMM BAMM BAMM POLICE!!!!!!!. U turned off all the lights was a little scared and if any mother fucker every tells you went you hear that knock that they are not scared that's a lie.After calming myself and listening to them holler that they were going to break the door in I found moms bottle and took a drink and made up my mind that i wasn't going. I knew she wouldn't last without me and she was all I truly loved at the time so I  dug in the back of the closet pulled out the sawed off shot gun and got the emergency 38 i kept there took 7 of her pain pills with a big glass of gin laid the guns on the floor went in the room and told my mother what was going on. Told her i wasn't going and we were going to be alright she asked what i was going to do I told her go back to sleep I would take care of it. I went to the kitchen and blew out the pilots in the stove and turn the gas on and waited . These fools were still knocking I had one more drink and took 2 more of her pills. My intentions were to  shoot thru the mother fucking door and let it all take it's natural course. I know insane huh? but when you do not have much in this world to love you truly wanna keep it with you forever and she was all I had. Funny thing how mothers always know when there kids are screwing up she staggered out to where I was in the hallway on the floor and begged me with tears in her eyes to please not to do this and go with them quietly. A MAN CAN NEVER TURN DOWN HIS MOTHER, so after about 15 minutes of her crying and the pills and booze had finally kicked in , I gave in and turn the gas off helped her back to the bed put the shot gun back in the closet and hid the 38 under the sink. I was high as hell and opened the door punk bitches threw me against the wall and hand cuffed me. As they were talking all that mess I was thinking in my mind was this the right decision. As they were taking me out I  told me my mother was asleep and could i tell her good bye, after a few a moments they conceded and let me see her she just looked up at me and with tears in my eyes I kissed her good bye.I cried as they walked me out and one of the detectives said do we need to call an ambulance for her I told me no. She won't need it, in the back of my mind I already knew them taking her to a hospital would kill her trying to detox her from alcohol because she was to far gone. In the car that same detective asked me why I didn't show up for court and I told him the truth that my mother was dieing and his reponce was nigger please we hear that same story every time you got to come a whole lot better. 22 days late while i was in jail they called me into the chaplains office to tell me my mother had died. Now hear is where the interesting part comes in 11 months into my incarceration my lawyer comes to see  me she says the states attorney wants to talk to you about something. Well some of my known associates thats what they called them commited a few crimes that they felt that they needed some help with and the government felt as though I would be willing to assist them in identifying them. She tells me that atleast I'd get a nice trip back to the city for the day and if i was nice she'd bring me a burger.So I relented and went when i arrived the states attorney along with the detectives who picked me up that night were there, they all told me how sorry they were about my mother's passing even the one who was smart in the car.I knew in my heart that none of them meant it but i went along.Then came the pitch if I could help them they'd try to do something about my time, about this time i had relented to the fact that i didnt give a good dam about ever going home and if you know me I wasn't telling on anybody fuckumm. Then he hits me with if my mother were alive she'd want me to do it and you know he just blow it, so they escort me in the other room with my lawyer who was fine as hell , she liked me because she said I was the first client who ever told the truth and said yes i did. She gave mewhat she promised sat down and read something while i eat and said you ready to go back down the road now because i know you , when he said that b.s. about your mother he was done.I just burst out laughing and said you know me pretty well huh? She said I will tell them and get the  oficer to take you back. I said before I go let me tell you how they got me and what was ready to happen and as I told her the story the lok of shock just over rode her to the point she was speeechless after my confession, just ask them when they walked in the house did they smell gas then you will know this is the truth. about a year later she told me they did smell a little gas but never paid attention.I THOUGHT IN MY HEAD IF THEY ONLY KNEW THAT THE LORD HAD THEIR BACK THAT NIGHT

GREAT LOVES PT 2

When we care even at an early age we try to protect, because it is in our nature to do so,as men.While being state property I met Gina, now she was the type of woman that would make a man go straight once he left the institution.She excepted my phone calls and talked to me about worldly things. When she found out I had some form of education that made our conversations all the more better. She trusted me and I felt such a kinship to her that there should have been more. Her only condition was that when and if i ever got out of jail that I WOULD DO THE RIGHT THING and i conceded that to her. Gina was and is still beautiful inside and especially out. So when the day came that they did release me, she was there. She met me on my first time out hugged me and we walked and talked, she gave me inspiration to go forward clothes and a few dollars any man that has ever been locked up knows that when you get out you need a support systems and she was willing to be that for me. To this day I thank her for being true to her word. In getting out you have to be on parole for sometime before you get out totally, i was placed in a halfway house and told to get a job. For a criminal that would be hard, for me a little difficult because i had some knowledge of what it takes to be in society. Finally after 2 weeks i found someone willing to take a chance on hiring me. After i explained my story, she even confessed to me that she had a brother who was locked up and she was giving me a chance because she hoped that when his time came someone would do the same.So on the spot she gave me uniforms and everything, I WAS HIRED!!!! But the system doesn't always work that great that same day that i got back to the halfway house where i was staying the administration informed me that there was a mistake in my paperwork that i was suppose to me the parole board in the institution and that they had to send me back IMMEDIATELY!!!!! I wasn't even allowed to pack all of my belongings because they considered my an exscape risk.So even after i explained they said there was nothing they could do for me. Paperwork will keep you caught in a system for years. They allowed me to make 2 phone calls one was to Gina but she wasn't home and i just threw my hands up there was nothing i could have done. Now a side note I  got a longer pass and traveled 3 buses to Gina's in the snow because I wanted to see her, she fed me we talked I think we even danced Gina fit in the curl of my arm like she was meant to be there DAMM i still remember that smile she was awesome and smelled like the air after a morning rain when the world seemed renewed from all the kaos. Just when we were ready to make love I  realized i didn't have any condoms and as much as i wanted to i knew what the consequences of those actions could have brought about. Come now fresh out of the penitentiary I  was shooting nothing but hits and I  knew if i got up in between those legs nothing was gonna pull me out until I broke something off in her back.That night I knew it and i think she did and if she didn't then shame on her ass because if i was anything less then the friend that i was she'd be walking around with my baby now. But I didn't and so it is and Gina i think never forgave me for going back to jail even though it wasn't my fault.SHE WAS KIND OF SORT OF GAMBLING THAT MAYBE I COULD BE THAT ONE.

GREAT LOVES pt1

Unfortunately we do not get the opportunity to have or be in love that often in life, i was blessed more then once, regrettably each one of mine came with a price in high school it was Agnes she was beautiful runner up to prom queen and my nigger 101%.She just never knew why i treated her better then anyone else, she was the girl that you never wanted to allow your friendship to get any further because if you did you already knew that it would be endless, she was smart, beautiful and took care of me in a way that some would say was like a relationship but was more like a connection to me. Guys always asked what was going on some assumed and others just talked.She was who she was a black queen in the making and i loved her for how easy she help make high school for me and how easy it was for me to be me. She was exceptional in every sense of the word, you see in high school i was the out sider because of the life i led outside of school between work and other activites school was a place for me to rest. Agnes NEVER JUDGED and i firmly believe that that is a trait most women do not have any more as is taking your friend, lover or significant other at face value,to judge is to say that you know that they can do better, look better and be better. Why not just except me and allow your life to be an example because if I am intelligent enough to be your friend, lover or companion I wil see your light and it will nourish me and help me grow

THEY KNEW BUT THEY COULDN'T PROVE A DAM THING

So as they wheeled me in and hooked me up to all types of monitors to make sure I wasn't dieing.I thought about my life  and should I have given that mother fucker my shyt and this little voice touched me and said HELL NO!!!!! So that's what happened they wheeled me in I told them my story and of course the police showed up.Regardless of what you think it was like you see on t.v. and they didn't believe a word I said which was funny. Because you learn to read emotion and even for a seasoned detective or investigator there are tells.But I go back that's another chapter so I want thru x-rays and everything they found the bullet lodged in my chest cavity not near any vital organs I guess weighing 330 had some advantages. The doctor said the best scenario was for the bullet just to lay there and i wouldn't feel any dis comfort or it would gently pass out with no problem. So i sighed all the appropriate paperwork and walked away